I have an uncontrollable desire to be in control.
I’m aware of that. Yet, it somehow became more obvious as my husband and I went on a mini-break two hours away from home.
There was so much to look forward to: the copper-looking forests, the fluffy pillows of the room, the stillness that rested over the mountain village.
Wait. There was something that threatened me much … The still waters of the pool, even if I’m in love with the idea of swimming.
The moment came to face it. I prepared myself to dip my toes in that gigantic-mosaic tank filled with what seemed pleasant bathwater.
The above-my-nose level made me retrieve my feet in panic. “There’s a jacuzzi to stay wet in and pretend I’m having fun.” I consoled myself.
My husband, knowing my abilities, encouraged me to let go of the blue rim and reach out toward his strong arms “I’ll catch you, sweetheart. Trust me.”
Fear and panic controlled me. The thought that I couldn’t plant my feet firmly on the bottom of the pool stole my confidence to swim.
It’s much the same with many aspects of my life. Although my pool of problems is much too deep to have my feet firmly planted and feel in control, no one can blame me for not daily trying.
Sarai in Genesis 16 joins the club of the ‘control freaks’. “So Sarai said to Abram, ‘Now behold, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Please go in to my maid; perhaps I will obtain children through her.’ And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai.” NASB
The word translated obtain is [ebaneh] in Hebrew, I will re-build. Sarai tried to take matters in her own hands and fix it. She must have been an achiever. Get it done Lord, or I will.
I tend to take after Sarai, I hold on tight to the rim, while trying to tip-toe the bottom of the pool like a floating ballerina holding to her instruction rail. Except, I’m holding on to my destruction rim looking for the control God never intended me to have.
What’s at the root of my debilitating desire to control?
Fear. Panic. Lack of trust. Lack of patience. Doubt. Doubt I can do it. Doubt the Lord can do it.
So, I white-knuckle the rim of parenting, of health issues, of my schedule, of our future, of how our kids will turn out one day, even of our waiting seasons. I exhaust myself in trying to be more creative than the Creator Himself and I start fixing things to my own detriment.
A wise friend told me once “Naty, you don’t have to correct every single mistake your kids do in one day. Today, deal only with what you are capable of.”
Sometimes I just need to let go of the rim and rest. The outcome is in the Lord’s hands.
In that pool, my husband was only asking for my willingness to make a first step of letting go.
My heart thumped louder than the swooshing water over the edge of the pool when I chose to give the pink back to my white knuckles.
I let go! And the waters held me.
Panic mingled with freedom. But in Christ, there is victory even in small strokes! I high-fived each small progress. In one hour I was gliding like a proud swan from one end of the pool to the other. Now, I have to slowly build endurance gaining confidence that there’s freedom in letting go.
Small victories are worth celebrating. (So I had chocolate crepes that night to counteract any lost calories to swimming. )
God desires my little bits of willingness to let go of the rim. He wants to release me of that desperate need to check out the deepness of the bottom of the pool to see if I can control some bits of my life.
However deep or shallow the problem might be, He expects me to float in faith and not tip-toe for control. Choose to let go of the rim, there’s so much freedom in that.
“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10: 13