Most little girls dream of that one day when they can wear the princess-looking stunning bridal dress. So many years of collecting high expectations for that one day. By the time we hit teenage years, the list goes higher than the Tower of Babel. We have it all figured out: the dress, the age, the setting, the looks, the menu, the guest list, the decorations… even the gifts.
Adulthood pops on you out of the blue, even if you feel like it was yesterday when you believed in Fairies, and your wiggly tooth made for a very embarrassing family photo.
Then reality smacks you in the face. Some wake up one day with a tiny wedding band on their ring finger. And others look at the ring finger with disappointment because it’s still naked. Life is not exactly what we dreamed of.
There are also girls that seem to have achieved what they wished for. But, don’t be fooled, there’s nothing perfect when you put two sinners together. ‘Perfect’ is not the word to describe their life, ‘hard work’ is. And where there’s no hard, sweat-dripping work, the marriage risks of going down the drain.
For those that are still single, enjoy every minute of your freedom. You get to make choices on your own without needing the approval of your spouse. Some struggle more than others awaiting for this dream to come true. Stay busy. Explore your talents. Explore the world. Get involved in church and community. Make a difference while you can. Marriage is beautiful, but it limits you on what you can and cannot do.
“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 7:32-35
What I expected…
I expected for my husband to read my mind.
I expected for my husband to solve problems quickly.
I expected for my husband to WANT to do the dishes and sort laundry.
I expected for my husband to be thrilled with my chick-flick movies.
I expected for my husband and I to expect.
I expected for my husband to LOVE shopping with or without me, as long as it was for me.
Basically, I expected for my husband to be me.
What I got…
My husband doesn’t read my mind, because only God can. So, we had to work hard on our communication skills. We learned that it’s worth it to fight your problems away and not give up in silence on your relationship. Unless you’re great at letting love cover the multitude of sins, I would not be silent. Speak up now, or forever hold your peace and not hold it against him. “ ‘In your anger do not sin’ Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-27, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8
My husband does solve problems quickly and I realized that the introvert in me likes to run away from uncomfortable discussions, prolonging the issue. He learned to give me space, and I’m still learning not to let myself wallow in self pity, but to start solving in spite of how I feel. “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
My husband thought at times, I need for him to be out of my way when I’m in my cleaning mood. So, I had to express my desire for him to help out. He is a servant-hearted husband and father. “The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent,
and their lips promote instruction.” Proverbs 16:23
My husband is willing to watch those cheesy Christmas movies, even though it’s not his cup of tea. I can’t expect for that to bring him enjoyment, just as he can’t expect for me to understand American football. On the other hand, I am willing to learn about the Cowboys and he is willing to give up his fun time for me. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:3-4
My husband is not in control of us expecting. But, he didn’t want for me to be deprived of the experience of motherhood. So, we’re adopting, by God’s grace. I know other husbands who are set in their ways and are unwilling to grant that wish to their wives. Don’t blame your spouse for lack of having children naturally, but also don’t steal the joy if the other one has a strong desire. Not wise. “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 4-7 ESV
My husband doesn’t like to shop, but he loves to provide. He even goes window shopping with me, to learn what I like and what I don’t. That’s how he always gets the perfect gift for me.
I need to let my husband be who God made him to be. I can’t expect him to be a man acting like a little girl. But, in the areas where we believe there needs to be growth, we need to:
Stop from our busy lives- Put all devices away for full engagement
- Start talking openly and lovingly
- Season our words with salt– it’s easier and more pleasant to swallow
- Come up with reasonable solutions for both
- Pray for wisdom how and what to share.
- Don’t get side tracked on bunny trails (it’s all Satan wants to accomplish- to get you distracted. Don’t make it about semantics.)
- Give hope to each other.
- Give homework to one another. In order to see improvement, we need to PRAY, TALK, ACT.
- Never try to be the Holy Spirit for my husband. I need to come to terms with the fact that ‘I can’t change my husband, only the Holy Spirit can.’ So, I need to stop trying with theinnuendo comments or direct rebuke.
What lessons I learned
Here I’m talking from the perspective of marriage, but some principles work great in any kind of relationship.
- Focus on the 90% of the great qualities my husband has and not on the 10% he struggles with. Pray for the 10% and rejoice in the 90%.
- Remember the things that made me fall in love with him, cherish them, talk about them. They might inspire.
- Have higher expectations of me than him or others.
- Invest in the marriage before your wedding day. Stop over-planning for that specific day, it’s the character you daily build upon that really counts for a strong relationship. It’s your strong faith in Christ that will help you, when marriage is nothing what you dreamed of. Be prepared of that. Marriage is nothing like the movies.
- Don’t expect immediate change, but expect it. First from you.
A Short Message To The Boys
I strongly, strongly believe in this principle even in this generation. “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”
Yes, I am my husband’s crown, but my husband is the one who makes me shine.
- He wants for me to rejoice in our marriage and not feel trapped, and lonely
- He sees my potential and wants for me to reach it. He notices my gifts and he brags on them to boost me up. (At my size, I surely can use boosting 🙂 )
- He encourages me when I feel like a total failure
- He is happy when I am genuinely happy. He doesn’t ignore my pain. (Girls, never manipulate with tears! Use them wisely, when it shows real hurt.)
- He daily tries to learn ‘me’. That takes talking, observing, and doing things together. Basically, it takes effort.
- He keeps me accountable and gently helps me to grow in my character.
My husband is my Valentine and he rocks.
To Sum Up:
- It’s worth it to fight your problems away and not give up in silence on your relationship.
- Speak up now, or forever hold your peace and not hold it against him/her.
- Never try to be the Holy Spirit for someone else. I don’t have such powers.
- Rejoice in the 90% and pray for the 10%
- The wife is the crown of her husband, but it’s the husband who makes her shine.
- Have higher expectations of me, than of others.